Maybe you’re the one who stays quiet when something bothers you, then replays the conversation in your head for days. Or maybe you’re the one who says it, loudly, and then wishes you’d said it differently. Plenty of people do both, depending on the day.
Using your voice is a skill. It isn’t about being the loudest person in the room. It’s about saying what you think and need, clearly and respectfully, in a way you feel good about afterward.
Why your voice matters
Your thoughts, feelings and needs count. When you keep them to yourself all the time, other people don’t get the chance to know you or to do better. When they come out as an explosion, the message often gets lost in the volume.
Somewhere between swallowing it and blowing up, there’s a middle path. That’s what we’re practicing here.
Pause before you speak
The moment right after something upsets you is usually the hardest time to speak well. Your face gets hot, your heart speeds up, and the first words that come out are often the ones you regret.
That’s why the Pause step matters. You don’t have to respond the second something happens. You can take a breath, step away, or say, “Give me a minute.”
Imagine a student named Elena. Her younger brother borrows her headphones without asking, again, and breaks them. She feels a wave of anger and wants to yell. Instead, she goes to her room, breathes slowly for a minute, and notices what she’s actually feeling: angry, and also hurt that he didn’t ask. Then she goes back to talk.
Say what you feel and what you need
When you’re ready to talk, a simple pattern can help:
“I felt ___ when . What I need is .”
Elena might say, “I felt really frustrated when my headphones got broken, because you didn’t ask first. I need you to ask before you borrow my things, and I’d like help replacing them.”
This works because it’s about your experience, not an attack. “You’re so selfish” usually starts a fight. “I felt hurt when…” gives the other person a way to listen.
It’s okay if it comes out a little awkward. It’s okay if you need to write it down first. Plenty of people draft what they want to say before a hard conversation.
Speaking up with adults
Using your voice with a parent, teacher or coach can feel extra tricky. You might worry about seeming disrespectful or getting in trouble.
Respectful and honest can go together. You might say, “I’d like to explain my side. Can I have a minute?” or “I’m feeling overwhelmed with everything due this week. Could we talk about a plan?”
Timing helps too. Right before dinner, in the middle of an argument, or in front of other people usually isn’t the best moment. A calm, private moment gives both of you a better chance.
If you’ve tried speaking up and you aren’t being heard, that’s frustrating. It can help to ask another trusted adult, like a school counselor, a coach or a relative, to help you figure out how to approach it.
When it really matters
Some things are too important to keep quiet. If someone is hurting you, pressuring you, or making you feel unsafe, or if a friend tells you they’re in danger, tell a trusted adult right away, even if someone asked you to keep it secret. That isn’t betraying anyone or being dramatic. It’s using your voice for exactly what it’s for.
If you want someone in your corner while you practice speaking up, using your voice is one of the six sessions in Becoming Me, my coaching program for teens 13 to 17. Each week we rehearse a real-life response, so hard conversations feel less scary when they happen. It starts with a guardian’s permission and your own agreement. You can read about Becoming Me.
My voice matters, and I can use it with care.
If you’re having thoughts of hurting yourself, call or text 988, or text HOME to 741741. You deserve support right now.