Lead with love, starting with yourself.
Welcome to the fifth shift. Everything you’ve practiced so far leads here: noticing your thoughts, speaking to yourself kindly, believing you can grow, and coming back to the present. This shift is about what you choose to see, and where you choose to lead from.
When we operate from fear, we see what’s missing: not enough time, not enough progress, not enough of us. Leading with love doesn’t ignore real challenges. It simply chooses to also see what’s working, what’s growing, and what’s already good.
What scarcity looks like
Scarcity is the feeling of never having enough. There’s not enough time. I’m not doing enough. I’m not enough. It can sit quietly under a busy day, turning every task into proof that you’re falling behind.
Imagine a grandmother named Lena who’s raising her teenage granddaughter. At the end of each day, she runs through a list in her head: the dishes she didn’t get to, the appointment she forgot, the conversation that ended with a slammed door.
She rarely counts the breakfast she made, the ride she gave, or the moment her granddaughter laughed at her joke. Those moments happened. Her mind just didn’t hold on to them.
Scarcity can show up in many ways. It might look like saying yes to everything because you’re afraid of letting people down. It might look like comparing your life to someone else’s highlight reel and feeling like you’ll never catch up. It might look like focusing so hard on what your teen isn’t doing that you miss what they are.
Scarcity also changes how time feels. When you believe there’s never enough of it, even a free hour becomes something to fill or fix. Rest starts to feel like something you have to earn, when really, as Rest Is Not a Reward puts it, rest is a need.
For teens, scarcity often looks like comparison. Scrolling through photos of friends at a party, a teen can feel like everyone else has more friends, more fun, more of whatever matters. A good grade can feel “not good enough” because someone else did better.
Here’s why it makes sense. Our minds are built to notice problems, because noticing problems helps us fix them and stay safe. If you’ve lived through times when there truly wasn’t enough money, time, safety or care, watching for what’s missing was wise.
It kept you prepared. You don’t have to be ashamed of that habit. You can simply begin to balance it.
What the shift is, and what it isn’t
The shift from scarcity to love is about widening what you see. Gratitude and intention are two practical ways to make it. They train your mind to look for light, and the more you look for it, the more you find.
Here’s what I believe: you don’t have to earn love, including your own. You don’t have to finish the list, fix every problem, or become someone new first. You’re allowed to start from here.
Leading with love starts with yourself. That isn’t selfish. When you treat your own needs with care, you have more to give the people around you, and it comes from a fuller place instead of an empty one.
This shift isn’t about pretending everything is fine. Gratitude doesn’t mean you can’t be sad, angry or worried. You can feel thankful for a kind text and still be heartbroken about something else. Both can be true at once.
It also isn’t about waiting to have more before you let yourself feel content. Love isn’t sitting at the end of a to-do list. It’s a way of meeting your life as it is today.
And leading with love doesn’t mean saying yes to everyone. Sometimes it means saying no, setting a limit, or resting. A boundary can be a deeply loving choice, and Boundaries Are an Act of Love explores why.
Practices to try
Start with Three Good Things. You’ll find a printable version and a few examples on the Three Good Things tool page.
That sentence about why matters. It helps you notice not just that something good happened, but what you did, or what someone else did, to make it possible.
Lena might write: “My granddaughter laughed at my joke, because I stayed in the room after our argument. I made her breakfast, because I wanted her day to start with something warm.” Nothing about Lena’s day changed. What changed is what she let herself see.
Put these together with the Gentle Pause and grounding from the earlier shifts, and you have the 5-minute Daily Love Now Practice: an intention in the morning, a pause at midday, grounding when you’re stressed, and Three Good Things in the evening, plus one kind sentence to yourself.
These five shifts aren’t a ladder you climb once. Growth isn’t a straight line. Whenever you need it, you can return to the first shift, From Autopilot to Awareness, and begin again with fresh eyes.
When it’s hard
Some nights you’ll sit down to write three good things and come up empty. Maybe it was a truly hard day. That’s okay. On those nights, one good thing is enough, and it can be as small as “I made it to bedtime” or “my blanket is warm.”
You might also notice gratitude starting to feel like a chore, or like you’re doing it wrong. If that happens, change the shape of it. Say your three good things out loud in the car, share them at dinner, or think of one while you brush your teeth.
And if scarcity feels heavier than usual, because you’re grieving, money is tight, or a relationship is struggling, please be gentle with yourself. Leading with love doesn’t ask you to feel grateful for pain. It asks you to look for one small light, and to let that be enough for today.
If sadness or hopelessness has been with you for a long while, please talk with someone you trust, your doctor or a counselor. Reaching out is one of the ways we lead with love toward ourselves.
For parents
Teens notice what we notice. If most of our conversations are about what’s wrong (grades, chores, attitude), they can start to believe that’s all we see. You don’t have to ignore real issues. Just make sure good things are part of the conversation, too.
Try sharing Three Good Things at dinner, in the car, or by text. Go first, and keep it light: “My three today were the sunrise, finishing that report, and laughing with you about the dog.” Some teens will roll their eyes. Many will join in eventually.
You can also name what you see going well, as specifically as you can: “I noticed you helped your brother with his homework tonight. That was kind.” Specific, honest notice helps a teen feel seen for who they are, not only for what they get right.
And remember to lead with love toward yourself. Whether you’re parenting solo, with a partner, across two homes, or as a grandparent or foster parent, you’re carrying a lot. You Can’t Pour From an Empty Cup is a gentle reminder that caring for yourself is part of caring for your family.
For teens
If you’re a teen, it’s easy to feel like you don’t have enough: friends, followers, talent, time. Social media can make that feeling louder, because you’re seeing other people’s best moments and comparing them with your everyday life.
Try Three Good Things for one week, in your notes app or a notebook. They can be small: a good song, a funny moment with a friend, finishing an assignment you’d been putting off. You might be surprised by what you start to notice. If comparison is wearing you down, Social Media and the Highlight Reel is for you.
Leading with love includes you. You’re allowed to take up space, to rest, and to be proud of who you are right now, not only who you might become.
And if you’re struggling, please tell a trusted adult. Reaching out is a loving thing to do for yourself.
I choose love, for myself and for my life, right now.
If you’re having thoughts of harming yourself, please call or text 988 (U.S.) right now.