Friendships can be one of the best parts of being a teenager. They can also be one of the most confusing. Friends you’ve had since you were little start to drift. Group chats get tense. You might feel like you’re in the group but not really part of it.
If you’re figuring out where you belong right now, you’re not alone, and nothing is wrong with you. Friendships change as people change. That’s part of growing up, even when it hurts.
Friendships change, and that’s normal
The people you were close to at eleven might not be your closest people at fifteen. Sometimes that’s because of a fight. More often, it’s quieter than that. You have different classes, different interests, different schedules.
That can feel like a loss, and it’s okay to be sad about it. It doesn’t mean the friendship wasn’t real, or that you did something wrong. It means you’re both growing.
It can also make room for new people who fit who you’re becoming.
What a good friendship feels like
It helps to know what you’re looking for. A healthy friendship usually feels something like this:
- You can be yourself without performing.
- You can disagree without it turning into a war.
- They’re happy for you when good things happen.
- You feel more like yourself after time with them, not less.
No friendship is perfect. Good friends still have bad days, misunderstandings and awkward moments. But overall, a good friendship feels steady and kind.
If a friendship regularly leaves you feeling anxious, small, left out on purpose, or pressured into things you don’t want to do, that’s worth paying attention to.
When the group chat goes quiet
Imagine a student named Nia. She sends a message to her friend group and nobody replies. An hour later, she sees they’ve been talking in a different chat without her. Her inner voice says, “They don’t actually like you. You were never really part of it.”
This is a moment for Notice, Pause, Check, Choose. Nia can notice the thought and the sinking feeling. She can pause before firing off an angry message or leaving the chat. She can check: what does she know, what is she assuming, what else could be true? Maybe it was a chat about a class she isn’t in. Maybe it was thoughtless, not cruel. Maybe something really has shifted.
Then she can choose a step that fits her values. That might be asking one friend directly, “Hey, I noticed the other chat. Is everything okay with us?” It might be giving it a day. It might be spending more time with people who make her feel welcome.
Finding your people
If you’re looking for new friends, start with what you enjoy. People who share an interest are often easier to connect with because you already have something to talk about. That might be a club, a team, a band, an art class, a youth group, a part-time job or a volunteer project.
Finding your people can take time. Some people find them in middle school, some in high school, and some much later. Being between friend groups for a while says nothing about your worth.
Being a good friend, too
Friendship goes both ways. Being a good friend means listening, showing up, apologizing when you get it wrong, and being honest in a kind way.
It also means knowing when something is too big to handle alone. If a friend tells you they’re thinking about hurting themselves, or that someone is hurting them, tell a trusted adult, even if they asked you to keep it secret. That’s not betrayal. That’s what caring about someone looks like.
You deserve support with friendships too. A parent, guardian, older sibling, coach or school counselor can be a good person to talk to about what’s happening. And if you want someone in your corner while you work on how you show up with friends, Becoming Me is my six-week, one-on-one coaching program for teens 13 to 17. It begins with a guardian’s permission and your own agreement. You can read more about Becoming Me.
If you’re having thoughts of hurting yourself, call or text 988, or text HOME to 741741. You deserve support right now.