Adults start asking what you want to be when you grow up from the time you’re small. By your teens, the question gets heavier. What will you study? What job do you want? What’s your plan?
If you don’t have an answer yet, that’s okay. Here’s a question I think matters more: who do you want to become?
A different kind of question
“What do you want to be?” is usually about a job title. “Who do you want to become?” is about the kind of person you want to be, whatever you end up doing.
Do you want to be someone who’s kind? Brave? Curious? Honest? Someone who keeps trying when things get hard? Someone people can count on?
These are your values: the things that matter most to you. Plans can change many times. Values tend to be the thread that runs through all of it.
Finding your values
Sometimes values are easy to name. Other times, you find them by noticing what makes you angry, proud or moved.
If you can’t stand seeing someone get left out, maybe you value fairness or belonging. If you lose track of time building, drawing or fixing things, maybe you value creativity. If you feel most like yourself helping a younger sibling with homework, maybe you value caring for others.
Your values belong to you. They don’t have to match your friends’ or your family’s, though they may overlap. Part of growing up is figuring out which ones are really yours.
Your story isn’t finished
When you think about the future, your inner voice might jump in. “You’re not smart enough for that. People like you don’t do that. It’s too late.”
Remember that thoughts aren’t facts. You’re still learning and still changing. Your story isn’t finished, and neither are you.
Imagine a student named Marcus. He’s always been called “the funny one,” never “the smart one.” He’s interested in science but assumes it isn’t for him. When he notices that story and checks it, he realizes it’s a label, not a fact. So he chooses one small step: he signs up for the science elective he’s been avoiding. He isn’t sure where it will lead. He doesn’t need to be. He just needs to take the next step.
Researchers like Carol Dweck call this a growth mindset, the belief that you can grow your abilities with effort and practice. One simple way to practice it is the word “yet.” Not “I’m not a science person,” but “I’m not a science person yet.”
Make your next move
You don’t need your whole life planned out. You just need a next step that fits who you want to become.
Think of it like this. Notice what matters to you. Pause before you let fear or other people’s opinions decide for you. Check the story you’re telling yourself about what’s possible. Then choose one small move that fits your values.
Small moves add up. A year from now, you’ll be a little more the person you’re choosing to become.
If a step doesn’t go the way you hoped, that’s information, not failure. You can notice what happened, be kind to yourself about it, and begin again with a new small move. Growth isn’t a straight line, and you’re allowed to change direction along the way.
You don’t have to figure it out alone
Big questions about the future are easier with people on your side. Talk with a trusted adult about what matters to you: a parent, guardian, grandparent, teacher, coach or school counselor. You might be surprised by what they see in you.
If you want someone in your corner, making your next move is one of the six sessions in Becoming Me, my one-on-one coaching program for teens 13 to 17. You choose your own goals, and it starts with a guardian’s permission and your own agreement. You can read more about Becoming Me.
Every day, I am learning, healing, and becoming.
If you’re having thoughts of hurting yourself, call or text 988, or text HOME to 741741. You deserve support right now.