It’s 10 p.m. You’re loading the dishwasher when your teen wanders into the kitchen and says, “Jordan’s being so weird lately.” Before the sentence is even finished, you’re already answering. Maybe Jordan is jealous. Maybe it’s time for new friends. Maybe they should just talk it out.
Your teen shrugs. “Never mind.” And the door that opened for a moment swings quietly shut.
If that moment feels familiar, you’re in good company. Most of us jump in because we love our kids and want to help. But here’s what I believe: teens usually talk more when they feel heard, not handled. Listening is a habit, and habits can be gently re-learned.
Why teens go quiet
Somewhere between 13 and 17, many teens start sorting out who they are apart from the adults who raised them. That’s healthy, even when it stings. Part of that work is figuring out their own thoughts before anyone tells them what to think.
So when every share turns into advice, a lesson or a worried look, a teen can start to edit. They learn that telling you something means getting managed. It isn’t that they don’t want you. It’s that they want to be trusted with their own life, a little at a time.
Listening well says, “I trust you to think this through, and I’m here while you do.”
Notice what’s happening inside you
Listening is hard partly because of what happens in us when our teen talks. A small comment about a friend can set off a big story in our heads: She’s being left out. This is just like middle school. I have to fix this now.
This is where the first two steps of the practice I teach, Notice, Pause, Check, Choose, can help. Notice what you’re telling yourself. Pause long enough to feel what your body is doing: a tight jaw, a quick breath, words lining up on your tongue. You don’t have to push the worry away. You only have to see it, so it doesn’t do all the talking.
The art of the small conversation
Big talks rarely happen on schedule. They tend to show up sideways: in the car, while you’re both cooking, during a late-night snack, on a walk with the dog. Sitting side by side, with less eye contact, often feels safer than facing each other across the table.
That means the small conversations matter. The show they’re watching, the song they keep playing, the teacher they can’t stand. When you’re curious about the little things, you show them you’re a safe place for the bigger ones.
A few things that tend to keep a conversation going:
- Reflect back what you heard: “So it felt like she was ignoring you on purpose.”
- Ask open, curious questions: “What was that like?” instead of “Why didn’t you just…?”
- Let silence sit for a moment. Teens often say the real thing after a pause.
- Resist the lesson. You can come back to it another day if it still matters.
When what you hear is hard
Sometimes your teen will tell you something that scares you, upsets you or disappoints you. Your face may react before you can stop it, and that’s human. What matters most is what comes next.
You can say, “Thank you for telling me. I need a minute to think, and I’m really glad you came to me.” That keeps the door open while you breathe. Later, use Check: What do I actually know? What am I assuming? What else could be true? Then Choose a next step that fits your values.
Be honest about one thing: you can’t promise to keep everything private. If your teen’s safety, or someone else’s, is at stake, you’ll need to act and get help. You can say that kindly and up front, so trust isn’t broken later.
When you get it wrong
You’ll interrupt sometimes. You’ll lecture when you meant to listen. That doesn’t erase the good moments.
Repair is part of listening too. “Hey, earlier I jumped in with advice when you just wanted to vent. I’m sorry. I’d like to hear the rest if you want to tell me.” Words like these show your teen what it looks like to own a mistake and begin again.
If you’d like support practicing this at home, Reset and Rise, my six-week, one-on-one program for parents and caregivers of teens, is a gentle place to start. You don’t have to figure it all out on your own.
I can listen without needing to fix. My calm presence is a gift.
If you or your teen is ever having thoughts of self-harm, please call or text 988 (U.S.) right now.